"I Found My Smile Again"

Like any good product of the late 90's and early 00's, I spent a significant amount of my middle school days listening ad-nauseum to the Space Jam soundtrack. I firmly believe in the era of great soundtracks, Space Jam is one of the best. One of the tracks that I loved was "I Found My Smile Again" by D'Angelo. I even once put it on a mixtape for my dad for Father's Day. 

I am just shy of six weeks into a new life. "I Found My Smile Again"  is the song that seems most appropriate. It had/has  been a long time since I uttered, "I am happy".  Maybe close to a year!  About this time last year, I was depleted of energy and spark and it began Elijah-tide (see below post).  However, because I trust in the words of another R&B singer Marvin Gaye that, "life is for learning". I have taken some of the lessons from the darkness of Elijah-tide and  they are influencing this Moana period in some pretty dope ways. 

LESSONS ON HOW TO FIND YOUR SMILE AGAIN:

1) We've heard of Treat Yo' Self and that is important but, what about valuing yourself?

I now value myself. I was unhappy  and my decisions reflected that. I ate unhealthy. And I'm going to keep it 100 this is not that "Uh oh, I ate too many Weight Watchers Points, celery only tomorrow" un-health.  I ate unhealthy all the time. My vegetable intake was deplorable. I didn't sleep. I didn't work out. I had no work-life balance. I have by no means rectified all of that now but I do see. the value. I cook most of my meals at home these days. I feel like I accomplished something with every Hello Fresh meal that I make. I am getting more than 3 hours of sleep a night. I don't sleep with my cellphone. I still wake up early but, it is no longer because of restless nights and stress/anxiety induced insomnia. Supposedly when you know better, you do better, right? I've always known better but, now I see the value in doing better.

2) Life Should Be A Balancing Act

I crave a work-life balance and I  live into it.  I am doing this thing where I do work at work. I don't have work email on my devices and so I no longer feel a slave to my inbox 24-7.  Since a work-life balance is so important to me, I am more mindful at work because when I get home it is time for me. I know that ministry is busy and demanding but, I'm excited that a balance is now a value. I now have time for hobbies. So I'm taking suggestions? Maybe now that Brad Pitt is available I will soon be canoodling with the former "sexiest man alive". I have time for dreams now, so you never know.

3) Literally LOL

I remember to laugh. I have really funny friends. I like funny people. I was the Rocket Team at Martin Middle School's 8th Grade class clown but, I was not laughing enough. I chortle with colleagues. I guffaw with friends. I've caught up on Fresh Off The Boat and Blackish, to name a few.  I watch television and listen to podcasts that make me laugh. I love a good meme or GIF and one day I shall master snapchat and the many filters of hilarity.

3) Sometimes you need Kendrick and sometimes you need Weezy and Sometimes you need Celine

Post-Trump 'Murica and systemic injustice got you down, crank up the album, Damn. You got Felicia's in your life. Don't let em kill your vibe go back to good kid, m.a.a.d city and crank that "B%#ch don't kill my vibe" up.  Kendrick is deep, prophetic, raw. He's wonderful. He's also going on tour. I'd love a ticket (hey, you have not because you ask not).

But... sometimes you need nostalgia and silliness. Nothing hits that spot for me these days like Lil Wayne. Just let Lil Wayne radio play on Spotify and you'll break out a smile, laugh at the wordplay, and feel better. And even still.. sometimes you need to believe in angels, so listen to whatever 90's ballad of Celine Dion that made you feel unstoppable. Turn it Up! Sing it loud! Don't let anyone tell you there is a difference between your vocals and hers. 

4) Be Present. It's hard. It is super hard. I don't go to yoga(it's expensive AF). In fact, when I have been and they ask to set your intention, mu intention is to make it through a class or not fart. I am not opposed to yoga. I just haven't been bit by the bug. I also don't like silence (see #3) however, I think being present is super important. If you are at Costco eating samples of tandoori chicken... just eat the chicken. You don't have to capture every moment on social media. Look up every once in a while when walking, you might notice how beautiful the spring trees are, how blue the sky is.  Whatever you can do to absorb every moment. Do it.  In the words of Common, "the present is a gift and I just wanna be".

5) If they love you, they want you to win. One of the reasons I feel like it is OK to say I am happy is because when I wasn't, I had people who wanted my happiness (maybe even more than me). If they love you, they want you to win. They want to hear your better, they want to hear how it's going. Misery is not the end game. I am who I am because I am loved deeply by a wide assortment of people. Not one of those people who sat with me in the pit has not also rejoiced with me in the light. If you have people in your life that don't want you to win, again I direct you to "B#$ch Don't Kill My Vibe".

In this transitional, NKOTB time... I've left my preaching robe in a hotel room Easter Weekend and then had it sent to the wrong address. I have  left my luggage at my apartment on a weekend trip. I  forgot that I bought someone tickets to a show until 24 hours before, lost my wallet, and not been able to get a hair stylist to call me back(#blackgirlpain). And I still I have quite a learning curve to go with the DMV parallel parking. I don't know a lot of the DMV/NoVA language or how to get around without my Waze. But, I'm happy. I found my smile again.

I know we often only put our "best" selves out on the soc meds. I get FOMO and I try to sometimes induce FOMO but the truth is  I am a hot mess. I went through (probably) the darkest time of my life between April 2016- April 2017 and, that is independent of the election and the death of Prince. I got by with a little help from my friends, some good therapists, and this crazy belief in HOPE.  So I write not to gloat but to say, I endured and now I found my smile again. 

Here is the jam. These are my thoughts. 

I Am Moana

Yesterday, I successfully conquered my first trip to Bed Bath and Beyond in NoVa. I made up my bed, complete with the evening's purchases and laid down. It hit me. I haven't slept in my own bed in eight months. Eight months ago, I was in the pit. I am now calling the last eight to twelve months, Elijah-tide based on Elijah's foray into the cave and the wilderness. 

The weekend before July 4th, I packed up White Lightning (my 2001 Toyota Camry) and surrendered. I was a month shy of my 32nd birthday. I was in a pit. If there was a spark in me at all, it was flickering and dimming, many moments felt like it was growing dimmer. I was serving my first church as a part-time solo pastor and it was hard. Correction: it  was VERY hard. I was lonely, I was isolated-socially and professionally. I felt like I had to fight for the respect of some of the folks in my congregation. I am not sure if it was my age or my gender, or what. I had my own personal pharisee. For those of you, who don't know in many scriptures in the Bible, the Pharisees exists just to F* with Jesus. Ministry is hard but, it seemed unnecessarily so. I didn't realize that I was fading until, I had time a way. Time to see other friends in ministry thriving, time to feel the weight of being on a grind. This blog is not about them though, it is about me. Them would be who I would have blamed Elijah-tide on before I began doing the work. Them= the haters, that personal pharisee, those that made being a pastor unduly hard. Work=almost weekly therapy, introspection, receiving the tough love of dear friends.  I'll be doing the work forever but, now I see the benefit. The work is slow and deliberate. It is climbing out of depression inch by painstaking inch. The dirt of the cave never seeming to quite get out of your fingernails. It is hard work, work where you uncover or begin to uncover the inner voice that keeps telling you are not enough yet, are on a mission to find ways to turn it down, hoping one day you might exorcise it completely. Like, I said this is work is important work and work I will be doing for quite sometime.

BEGIN INTERLUDE---I left the town where I was pastoring in July and went to live at home for 8 months. I lived in my childhood bedroom with my Aladdin poster from 1993. I commuted upwards of 250 miles a week to continue to serve the congregation. I worked part-time at Starbucks. ---END INTERLUDE. (Listen to my swan song)

Currently White Lightning sits in front of my new life. She is parked in front of  a new apartment in a new city, for a new job. White Lightning is about 15,000 miles older. She has been up and down I-40( being one of the most dependable and needed relationships of my life) .This time she is full not with the weight of worthlessness packed  into her four doors.  Now she is full of blessings. The  blessings of growth, of friendship, and of self-discovery. During Elijah-tide, I felt that my life was running  hauntingly parallel to  the life of Elijah. Elijah is sustained through the muck of the cave and, the thick of the wilderness with just enough provision to get through. He receives just enough grace to make the days gray( and a little less black). Like birds feeding Elijah in the wilderness, I’ve been fed by the best friends in the world, who gave me what I needed when I didn’t know I needed it, who loved me through a time when I felt grossly unlovable. But, while I am grateful that this current Elijah-tide is ending, I am grateful that I was held when I was not my best self.  As Elijah-tide ends, a new story has piqued my interest....

I am obsessed with Moana! Moana is the fiercely feminist heroine/protagonist of Disney's latest animated film, Moana. Moana is the child of a village priest. From a young age she is restless- restless for adventure. Moana is  called to the ocean, always dreaming of some unknown world. Her father, while constantly trying to protect her from the unknown, keeps reminding her that her destiny is to inherit the legacy of being a chief. Here is the thing... Moana is really good at being a chief. That life would be fine for her, she would do well. She’d gain some affirmation from her village but the waters call on her never goes away. Her grandmother speaks into her a different part of her legacy, a story from long ago about how her people sailed across the ocean and were way-finders(voyagers). Her restlessness, her story, her village’s desperation sets her off on an adventure. Much like, any good Disney movie she has to overcome insurmountable odds and is ultimately victorious. I don't know if it is because Moana is a non-princess of color. I don't know if it is because, Lin Manuel-Miranda worked on the soundtrack, but Moana has got into my fibers. I've moved from Elijah-tide to being Moana.

Moana is strong, it takes a wilderness for her to realize just how strong she is. Moana won't settle. She could have stayed where she was and been fine but, she chose the road less traveled. Moana is surprised by her own courage, her own bravery, her own resilience. But she doesn't do it alone. In addition to a stupid rooster and a demagogue named Maui, there is this beautiful scene when she doesn't think she can make it and the spirit of her grandmother appears in the image of sting ray. Moana is reminded that she takes the stories of her past with her. 

And so it is with me.. on Easter, I will preach my last sermon and say goodbye to the congregation who, I loved deeply but constantly worried if I loved enough, the congregation who made me a pastor. As a result of the work, I've been able to zoom out and see wonderful people who loved, and respected me, who I've already began to miss. I think I was on the cusp of being a medium to large fish in a small pond, as I was getting to know the community and the city. As a result of the work, I can most days say I did well if not, damn well with the resources I had.

I am also 7 days into a new life. New lands and waters to discover. I am less lonely and isolated. I have colleagues and clergy cohorts. The whole process of Elijah-tide to I am Moana with this particular church, has been so life-giving, as the vulnerabilities that I tried to hide and submerge, have been excavated and even affirmed. I am so excited about this next chapter, who I will become, who I will meet, how I will grow, and all the work still left to do.

Excited to see just How Far I'll Go....

I've been standing at the edge of the water
'Long as I can remember, never really knowing why
I wish I could be the perfect daughter
But I come back to the water, no matter how hard I try

Every turn I take, every trail I track
Every path I make, every road leads back
To the place I know, where I can not go
Though I long to be

See the line where the sky meets the sea it calls me
And no one knows, how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know, if I go there's just no telling how far I'll go

Oh oh oh, oh, oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh

I know, everybody on this island seems so happy on this island
Everything is by design
I know, everybody on this island has a role on this island
So maybe I can roll with mine

I can lead with pride, I can make us strong
I'll be satisfied if I play along
But the voice inside sings a different song
What is wrong with me?

See the light as it shines on the sea it's blinding
But no one knows, how deep it goes
And it seems like it's calling out to me, so come find me
And let me know, what's beyond that line, will I cross that line?

See the line where the sky meets the sea it calls me
And no one knows, how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know, how far I'll go

-Lyrics Lin Manuel-Miranda, song "How Far I'll Go"