Ohana Means Family: Reflections on Orlando

On Tuesday evening I went to St. Jude MCC dressed like a pastor(this is rare). By dressed as a pastor, I mean I had a purple shirt with the God collar in it, jeans and Toms. I dressed like a pastor because so many people assume that Christians, in particular black Christians are homophobic. I am not, I work for the church and I wanted to show that in my dress and my actions. Turns out when you dress the part, you sometimes get to help with things. I ended up reading the names of 10 of my brothers and sisters  who lost their lives early Sunday morning.  As part of the service, people got to speak about their feelings. The first couple were two lesbians from Orlando who were vacationing in Wilmington, and renting not to far from the church.  They said 30, 40, 50 years ago, "That could have been us". Another person spoke out, a young person who presented as female and said "I haven't been to church in 10 years....some of these people may have been outted in death." Many more people spoke, we rang our collective hands, we prayed. I mean after all it is a vigil. Every few weeks my "friends" and friends on social media post some scripture on our collective statuses and proclaim that "our thoughts and prayers are with (insert horrible tragic location here).  I believe in prayer and. Prayer changes us, transforms us, moves us to action. Both faith and love are in my mind verbs, so we don't just pray we pray and... We pray and sign petitions, We pray and protest, We pray and donate money. We pray and do.

Many  people spoke about how it "could have been me". I couldn't sleep that night because it could have been me and it is me. I identify as cisgendered female, a person of color and straight but, I have gone to LGBTQI clubs(Pulse/Orlando), I typically go to big blockbuster premieres on the midnight showing (Aurora), I substitute teach all ages including 1st graders (Sandy Hook), I am a pastor of a predominatley black church who has midweek program (Mother Emanuel). It could have been me on a practical level because of spaces I frequent but, it is me.  If we are One, than when you murder my 6 year old sister in CT, and my 33 year old brother in Orlando, and my grandmother in Charleston. You murder me. We are God's children not because we accept the invitation to be but because it is so. I am on Team Jesus. So my faith says that Jesus saves independent of whether we believe it. We are either God's children or we are not, We  are either One or we are not. So Stanley Almodovar III, 23 years old, Amanda Alvear, 25 years old,Oscar A Aracena-Montero, 26 years old,Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33 years old,Antonio Davon Brown, 29 years old,Darryl Roman Burt II, 29 years old,Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28 years old,Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25 years old,Luis Daniel Conde, 39 years old,Cory James Connell, 21 years old,Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25 years old,Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32 years old,Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez, 31 years old,Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25 years old,Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26 years old,Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22 years old,Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22 years old,Paul Terrell Henry, 41 years old,Frank Hernandez, 27 years old,Miguel Angel Honorato, 30 years old,Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40 years oldJason Benjamin Josaphat, 19 years old,Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30 years old,Anthony Luis Laureanodisla, 25 years old,Christopher Andrew Leinonen, 32 years old, Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21 years old,Brenda Lee Marquez McCool, 49 years old,Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez, 25 years old,Kimberly Morris, 37 years old,Akyra Monet Murray, 18 years old,Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo, 20 years old,Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25 years old,Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36 years old,Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32 years old,Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35 years old,Enrique L. Rios, Jr., 25 years old,Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, 27 years old,Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, 35 years old,Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24 years old,Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24 years old, Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34 years old,Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33 years old,Martin Benitez Torres, 33 years old,Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega, 24 years old,Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37 years old,Luis S. Vielma, 22 years old,Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez, 50 years old,Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37 years old,Jerald Arthur Wright, 31 years old are me and I am them. 

In Lilo and Stitch, one of my favorite quotes is when Lilo tells her sister that Stitch is family. She says, "What about Ohana, Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten". I must remember Ohana, live Ohana, pray and...

I'm tired of hatred and violence and the fallacy of disbelief that "I can't believe we live in a word where X happens". We live in that world. We are Orlando. We are San Bernadino. We are Nigeria. We are Sandy Hook. We are Brussels. We are Paris.  I'm tired of every time someone shows compassion, sympa/empathy(always confuse the 2), we ask them on social media, "Why weren't you crying/doing the routine of concern when this happens?. I rarely blog and am apprehensive about sharing it because i may not talk about Boko Haram, or the next mass shooting, or the next egregious act and people might troll me with "Well what about". I'm tired of being angry, of hurting. In the words of Sojourner Truth, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

Ohana. Orlando. Ohana. America. Ohana.The World. Pray and Ohana. 

Just some thouhgts.

Becoming A Cam Newton Fan: The Risk of Authenticity

This weekend was a big weekend for me. I was to lead a workshop and preside over the table at a women's retreat in Myrtle Beach, preach and lead worship where I pastor and, go out with an elder to do homebound communion and drive 2 hours to be home to watch the Super Bowl with my brother. My weekend had some upsets. I had a recurring illness that rendered me in much pain and/or extremely drowsy or nauseous, when I wasn't using my waining energy to do the bare minimum of my weekend responsibilities. My sermon was 1 page. I forgot a lot of things I was supposed to say or do both at the retreat and at worship.  I didn't make it to the Super Bowl Party. If I hadn't spent the last two weeks falling in love with Cam Newton, I could say "Well at least I'm not Cam Newton.". Those words might give someone who had a rough weekend a bit of consolation but that would only be if they didn't understand the humanity of Cam Newton.

I'm a North Carolinian and at times even proud of that fact. However, I am  not a Panthers fan. I am a Saints fan, for no other reason that I lived in New Orleans when I was 23 and enjoyed the way the city rallied around the Saints( even though it was an Aints year) in the face of real hopelessness and despair 2 years after the storm. If I am a football fan at all, I am in the toddler years. I sort of know what's going on but not really, and everything is new. I am the person who will come up to a mature fan and say "Did you know there is only one quarter back on a team?".  Because I live in North Carolina, I got caught up in the hype of the 2015-2016 Panthers. I was indifferent most of the season yet, happy for my friends who are actual fans and for the thousands of people who got discounted Bojangles and Krispy Kreme because of the Panthers. It is because of Cam, I know what it is to "dab".

When the Panthers made it to the Super Bowl, as a North Carolinian I hopped on the bandwagon. I looked at some over-priced merchandise. I hashtagged "keep pounding", I learned a few players names. I also read a lot about Cam. I like to dance. I like people who have infectious joy. I think smiling is a good thing. I envy people who have as much confidence and self-assuredness in their God-given abilities and I like people who think about others. Cam does all of that and does it well!  I guess with the anonymity of the internet and, the media's attempt to rally everyone around division... turns out some people really don't like Cam. They say he is a whole bunch of adjectives and stereotypes I'd rather not repeat. From my understanding Cam Newton is unapologetically Cam Newton- a talented football player who remembers that football is a game and games should be fun, that there are things worth smiling about, that joy can spread, that a simple gesture like giving a kid a football can make someone's day or life. Cam Newton is authentic. I like authentic people. It is why I follow Gayle King on instagram and love Dolly Parton. 

My workshop this past weekend was called "The Otherside of Praise: Authenticity and Lament as Worship". With a bunch of women, we used the metaphor and the literal symbol of a mask to discuss what hinders us from being authentic and what stuff we carry in anger or sadness, what do we masquerade around with myths of who we ar,e thinking this is what the world wants, and what God wants. One woman spoke about the pain of living authentically. It means you'll get hurt; it means people won't like you. It made me think.. is being authentic really all that liberating? is it really worth it? I know God wants all of me: those feelings of unworthiness and the anger I harbor towards others. She wants all of me: because in my weakness She is made strong. That sounds real great and all but it also means that I might get hurt even more. Authenticity is a risk. It is a risk for Cam Newton. It would be easier for us the anonymous masses if he did what we wanted him to do, toned down his celebration, suffered through interviews and scrutiny from his opponents all so we could think he was a role model. But Cam Newton risks being authentic, which is to offer himself up to be critiques and to be prodded at and picked apart. To be authentic is to allow ourselves to be human. To be human is going to mean we fumble, we get sad. It also means because no one is above the vast array of human emotion: hurt and sadness, mistakes, and fumbles- to be human is to testify that we are not God. There is the freedom. There is the liberation. There is the celebration. WE  ARE NOT GOD. That is the beauty of authenticity. When we take off the mask, when we risk authenticity, we risk saying we are human. We also risk accepting these crazy things like grace and forgiveness and love. Cam has  sacrificed his body on the field, and his emotions -good or bad have been laid bare for us. From one human to another human, may we give and receive grace,forgiveness, and love. And may we find a way to get up this moment and the next and take off another layer of the mask and risk authenticity. 

Thanks Cam for teaching me that I am human and thus not God. Thank you for inspiring me to take off the mask and be wholly Thine, wholly God's. Thanks for reminding me in your dabs and in your sadness that our authentic selves are who God created and as the ole pastor says, "God don't make no mistakes".

Lord, make me real. Real human and in real need of You.